Colin Christiansen has known he has loved softball since he was a kid. Loving himself took a little more time.

The University of Tennessee graduate assistant softball coach wrote in a column for OutSports this week that he felt like he was living a lie during his adolescence, and it led to "aggression and anger." Once outgoing and amiable, Christiansen drifted and became a loner. He felt like an "imposter."

"Along the way, I came to grips with what had been my secret -- being gay," Christiansen wrote.

When I came out, everything about me changed. I became a much happier person. It felt like a weight was lifted and I could finally breathe. I became a better student and I chose my career path -- to coach Division I softball. I finally felt like I could walk around without worrying what others thought of me or how they would take the news.

Christian wrote that he began playing softball at age 10 and used to pitch to his sisters, who were both fastpitch softball players. During those dark times in high school, he fell back on the sport he cherished. Christiansen wrote he could throw in the mid-60s and went into his basement for hours throwing a foam ball against a wall. He joined a men's fastpitch team, and it was a solace for him.

"It was my escape," Christiansen wrote of softball.

It was in college where he realized that he didn't have to escape from anything. As a freshman, he helped with the Mount St. Mary's University (MD) softball team, where his sister played. Two years later, he was an undergraduate assistant coach.

"I came out to friends and family in fall 2014," Christiansen said. "Once I told one person and I realized nobody was going to turn their back on me, my entire life changed. I finally understood that if someone wasn't going to accept me, I didn't want those people in my life anyways. I began telling more and more people, and to this day, I have yet to have a negative response. With each person I told, the unexplained anger I had slowly started to diminish."

Then another enigma popped up. Would he be out in his professional life? Christiansen feared that potential softball programs and schools might not hire him because he was gay. That was remedied quickly: If a school didn't want a gay coach, he reasoned, then he didn't want to be at that school.

"I didn't want the fact that I am gay to affect the chances of landing my dream job for something as minuscule as my sexual orientation," Christiansen said. "I spent a lot of time reading different coming out stories and talking to many friends about the decision to come out publicly. I ultimately decided that I wouldn't want to work for somewhere that wouldn't hire me because I'm gay, because it doesn't define me."

He quickly corrected that last part. No, being gay doesn't define who he is as a coach or a person, but Christiansen was beginning to understand that it was a big -- and important -- part of his identity.

"I discovered that this mindset was part of the problem," he wrote. "Telling myself 'being gay doesn't define who I am' was me still in small sense of denial. I quickly realized that I wanted to be on the right side of history and help others who have had similar struggles.

"I believe that being gay is the best part about me, and it should be celebrated. It is what makes me who I am. It influences me to be kind, caring, and compassionate -- traits that I don't believe I would otherwise possess. But at the same time, I am just like every other person. I am a fierce competitor, sometimes stubborn, and want to be the best at everything I do. So no, being gay does not 'define me,' but yeah, it kind of does."

Now, Christiansen is a graduate assistant coach for a Tennessee softball program under co-head coaches Ralph and Karen Weekly that he has watched and admired since he was a youngster.

Better still, Christiansen is out and open. His column on OutSports was his last "coming-out party," he wrote. Long gone is that teen who felt like an imposter. In his place is a proud man who wants to one day become a head softball coach for a Division I program.

"I can officially be completely and fully who I am," Christiansen said. "I am incredibly lucky to be supported by the University of Tennessee softball program, my family and friends. I have had nothing but a really positive and uplifting experience."

By Marc Raimondi

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