For Mother’s Day, I’m going to pull out one of my top five favorite pieces we’ve done over the last year which I think typifies the level of love and dedication of mother’s everywhere in the softball world. 

It’s an article that we published August 19, 2013 called “A parent’s perspective: softball sacrifices,” but it really is about one mother and what she had done to support her daughter–the mother if Debbie Lilley and her daughter is Jenna, who we rated as the top prospect in the senior class.

We honor and recognize mothers for their great support of their daughters–on and off the field–and pay tribute all who do the big and small things that allow athletes to play the sport they love!

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Debbie Lilley is the mother of top 2014 prospect Jenna Lilley and has been around softball for a while as Jenna’s older sisters, Tricia and Megan, played at Purdue and Northwestern, respectively. In addition, a son, Brett, was a baseball player at Notre Dame.

This weekend, Debbie and Jenna are doing what has become a regular routine for both: they will drive from their home in North Canton, Ohio to a club team practice with the Beverly Bandits in the Chicago area.

That’s a six hour drive… one way. Do the math and you’ll get the following numbers:

• 12 hours per practice commute
• approximately 400 miles one way, 800 miles round trip
• 20 practices a year (12 in the fall, eight in the winter)
• estimated $200 per trip including gas, tolls and other wear and tear on the car
• about $4,000 a year for practice travel alone
• commuting by car or plane to summer tournaments which are typically all over the country. Figure that is, conservatively, at another $1,000

And one final stat: Jenna, who is going into her senior year and is an Oregon commit, has played for the Bandits for three years with 2013-2014 being her fourth.

Final bill: minimum of $20,000 for Jenna’s club career.

That’s a lot of money—not to mention a huge amount of time—that a mother is putting towards seeing her daughter reach her goals and dreams. Let’s be honest here, too—it’s a lot of sacrifice for one person to make to have a child play a sport.

A lot of questions are raised on a general basis: should athletes travel so much for practices and games… couldn’t they play closer to home? How does the immense time away affect not only the athlete, but her family? Not least of all, particularly for the parent, is it all worth the sacrifice?

 

The Lilley Experience

It wasn’t always this way for the Lilley family, driving to and from Chicago half the weekends of the year for a three-hour practice. The two older girls would stay the summer in the city where their team played.

“Tricia played for a California team,” Debbie explains, “and lived out there for a summer because at the time in Ohio exposure and level of play wasn’t what would get her seen. She sacrificed two summers of her life staying with softball players’ families, including Caitlin Lowe her first summer.”

As Tricia was the oldest of the four siblings—with a 12 year difference between oldest to youngest—Debbie says the family didn’t fly out to visit because it wasn’t easily manageable with younger children.

“Was it tough on her?” her mother continues, “Absolutely. For both of us, we struggled as it was her first time being away from home and for me having a child not around full time with the family. But she got the exposure needed and had Purdue, Stanford and Texas all recruiting her.”

Brett was away for three summer’s playing travel ball and Megan lived in Chicago at age 16 for the summer playing for the Bandits. She stayed in a dorm with friends, but the experience was tough.

“She had softball, but she didn’t have the necessary family component,” remembers Debbie. “I wouldn’t do that again, that’s a major reason Jenna and I commute.”

It was painful, too, the matriarch admits having children always away from home.

“The sacrifice was we didn’t have them with us as a continuous family, but we did the best we could and would travel to see them.”

As with any parent, Debbie had to weigh other pros and cons in having their children play with far-away teams.

 

The Pros

“Travelling back and forth,” she states, “you do it because you have to do it and because they’re all in. For me, my life revolves around my kids and as long as they’re pursuing a passion, I want to enable that as best I can.”

Debbie continues explaining that her kids wanted to be the best they could in softball and playing for local teams, at least in their situation, wasn’t for the best.

“There hasn’t been the opportunity at that level of play in Ohio. Our kids always felt you go where the best kids are, you want the challenge to play against the best because it sharpens your skills.”

“At the level they want to be at, could a competitive athlete go out and play rec ball? You can do it for a weekend, a day or two, but not continually because you’re not challenging yourself. In Jenna’s case, she continues to go to Chicago and work and work hard because she wants to succeed. She wants to be the best and prepare herself for college.”

The frequent weekend drives, Debbie says, have their benefits as well.

“Commuting to Chicago, there has to be value for both, and we’ve seen that. For her, it’s getting better at her sport and for me it’s creating interaction opportunities–meeting people and developing relationships—as well as watching her play.”

“It’s also helped me draw closer to my daughter. Although there’s a lot of sleeping involved on the drive, you’re together and have an opportunity for discussion. Generally, it’s rewarding because being with my kids makes me smile—we don’t have to be talking or interacting.”

“We talk about financial issues, for example. Jenna’s grasping it right now, you have to work sometimes to do the things you want to do or get what you want. She’s a typical teenage who wants Nike clothes, for example. She’s learned about financial responsibility and that she has to pay for some things, which she does because she gives lessons to other kids.”

“The overall benefit is we have lots of discussions about her goals and where she wants to go in life.”

Has it all been worth it? Simply, Debbie says yes.

“In all four cases, the sacrifices paid off as all the children have, or will have, realized the dream of playing a sport they love and having their education paid for. When I see them perform, I like to look back at all the hard work they put into it and the successes they’ve had plus the values they’ve learned being on teams and working with people.”

 

The Cons

There’s not only the travel, which in the Lilley’s case, was extensive, but there’s also the disruption to normal family routines.

“I had the kids all the time and their father and I would split shifts with the kids. Our time and our money were going into the kids and sometimes we didn’t do enough for ourselves as a couple—that was our sacrifice. We were not a family with a lot of money, he was a sportswriter and I’m a teacher.”

It was a strain, too, in that it was hard to do things as a family.

“When you put in this level of commitment,” Debbie continues, “there are no vacations. Softball is your vacation, certainly in the summer. It was all about playing ball and you try to fit in experiences around that.”

With such a frenetic schedule and the always being on the go, there’s a strong risk of burnout or physical injury from repetition or overuse, even if the athlete loves the sport.

“One of the older girls told me when she was a senior, ‘I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.’ She loved it when she was doing it and I recognized it was a temporary feeling, that the best thing I could do was be the supportive mother and just listen.’”

 

Advice

Having been through the experience of travel ball not once, but four times, Debbie has the credentials to offer some insight and advice, namely:

1. “Turn each opportunity into an education or at least a unifying one. We had fun and we had bonding with other parents and our kids with their teammates.

2. “Make sure the opportunity is for the kids and it’s not about the parent fulfilling his/her needs and not doing it for your own platform. A parent can have a strong personality and make the kids feel like they have no choice.”

3. “Sometimes you need to have a frank discussion asking if this is what the player really wants to do. If it’s not their passion, with the time and money needed to be put into it at any level, then the child needs to find a passion in something they will want to do.”

4. “Keep communication open so they can feel comfortable opening up.”

5. “Balance is important, certainly in key areas like academics, socializing, etc., but sometimes you have to let them decide what is important to them. In our case, Jenna would rather practice softball than go to a football game on a Friday night and that’s alright.”

6. “You have to step back sometimes and look at the big picture. Once they’re done, how will softball have helped develop them in their life? They all moved on and softball, if experienced right, can be a great avenue for kids to learn the important elements in life. As a parent, we guide how that experience will turn out.”